The Sunday Scaries
Volume 1, Number 29
Microfiction by Pat Harrigan
Content Warning: Language and Horror

The Friend Request

I am a man who posts laugh-reacts on the posts of people I don’t know. Mostly politicians. When they say, We have funded free school lunches for every schoolchild in the state, or Happy Lunar New Year, or We mourn the victims of this latest shooting, I post a laughing face at them. Sometimes an angry face, whichever seems more appropriate at the time.
          My name sounds vaguely familiar to you. You realize it is a character from Mad Max, or Animal House. I live outstate, or in a third-ring suburb you think you’ve heard of. My own posts are set to private, except for some that raise money for a dog charity, and a few YouTube links to news clips and medical information, but also to some music videos from people you like, like Willie Nelson. You can see my profile picture. Sometimes it is a car or a lake, sometimes I am bundled up in a big winter coat and sunglasses or maybe ski goggles. With me are some cute kids, my children and grandchildren or maybe nieces and nephews. Sometimes there is a thin blue line or an American flag banner attached. Sometimes the flag is upside down. Now and then I change my profile picture to Rick, from Rick and Morty, or Archer, from Archer. One of my friends comments on the picture, and I reply, Phrasing! but it’s not clear what the double entendre was. My cover photo is of Washington at Valley Forge. I say that I am strongly Christian. My bio says that I studied at the School of Hard Knocks and at the University of Life.
          My featured quote reads: Molon labe Blood is freedoms stain !!!
          When I comment on a page, I often use the word woke, and I tell people to get jobs. I am fond of the clown emoji. If you are a woman I am more likely to comment. I distribute apostrophes freely. You get the impression that I am a veteran. People who comment to agree with me frequently use ALL CAPS but I don’t. I do not like politicians using my tax money so freely, on DEI initiatives and pay raises for politicians and clean drinking water. One time in fifty I say something you basically agree with. I am a passionate lover of this country, this country of Ronald Reagan, Martin Luther King, and Robert E. Lee. These figures from the past embody the real America, not like many prominent contemporary people, who are pedophiles.
          We have four mutuals, all people you went to high school with. You have all four of them muted.
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