The Gap Year

She was barely out of high school at the time. Basically a kid. Not really paying attention to current events—but there, that was her mother’s voice inside her again: as if paying attention to current events could have changed anything!—could have changed what happened next: the electrical storms, the terrifying plane ride, the emergency parachute, the strange encounter in the woods and then, next thing you know, she’s in a rocketship off to the planet Mongo.
          Mongo.
          Then Flash and the doctor go off somewhere and the Mongos use some kind of brainwashing ray on her, so when she comes to her senses, oh guess what, the gong sounded a final time so you’re married to Emperor Weirdo now, hope you brought your trousseau. Nice to meet you, Emperor Weirdo!
          By which she means, Fuck you, fella! I didn’t sign up for this.
          Long story short: escapes and adventures, a few more creeps, meet some new friends, try out some new outfits, have some good times, some bad times, learn some life lessons along the way. Flash really stepped up, no doubt about it, no complaints there. Princess Aura, who’s that? Eventually she gets back home a wiser person. Tears and embraces, et cetera.
          But then: the telegrams start. We urgently require your presence at. The Emperor demands that. If you don’t respond we will be forced to. Phone calls—mother kind of loved taking those calls: Who is it you want? Caller who? What business is it of? I’m sure you’re mistaken, no member of this household.
          Father, pollyanna like he is, didn’t take it seriously: hot air, foreign types, he said, they’ll drift away, he said. Well, when one of those hot foreign types came drifting through her bedroom window at 3am, she drilled him through the helmet with a laser pistol and held off the rest of the squad for twenty minutes until Flash carpet-bombed the backyard. Daddy, I love you, but.
          Now it’s all peripatetic, which has its charms, but but but. Flash says mother and father are safe, and he’s as good as his word, of course. But it’s scary and boring at the same time: this place, this other place, that planet, Mars, okay, the doctor always being strange. Even Flash, she has to admit, being a little strange. But whatever world she’s on, Weirdo’s weirdos always turn up, waving weapons and writs: A judgment will be rendered on this date. Such property as is requested will. Any future heirs will be entitled to.
          Like I’m expected to recognize the legal and religious authority of planet Mongo? She shakes her curls in indignation.
          Mongo.
          I’m a Lutheran! I was going to study agriculture. Now I don’t know when I’ll get to college. I could file a restraining order, but let’s be real.
          The rocketship screamed through space.
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